Saturday, May 10, 2008
In a Moment
It is hard for me to write about the inconsequential moments of our lives when I know that Sara, Katie, Kelly and family are facing the inconceivable. Kelly is bravely documenting their loss and posting them to flickr and her blog. I can understand the safety of the lens or computer or pen--often my own refuge. Janet was right to tell me not to check my email until I put Collin to bed. When I sat crying with the pictures last night, my teacher mind thought: her kids will see her through... as if anyone can really do that in times like these. To see those students circling the house with their banners of love...Students do amazing things in times of crisis as do mothers and sisters. Strong work, Kelly. Thank you for documenting --thank you for teaching us and sharing with us, Sara's friends, and for sharing your strength with so many mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins. It is strong, brave work that you are doing.
At some point I will write about Collin's birthday party or post a few pictures. The juxtaposition of these events, Katie planning her daughter's funeral and me planning my son's birthday party. Well, my feelings are nothing compared to Sara's. My feelings are the "what ifs" and the "oh my Gods" and the "unimaginable" that friends or coworkers or even outsiders feel. I keep thinking about what would help.
What would help? Other than donations to the memorial fund, what would help. Cards, comments, notes, thoughts, prayer. Prayer helps. I wish I could do more. I wish I could swoop in and fix things. Take the children to the park and play away their fear. Cook macaroni and cheese from scratch, or warm buttered biscuits or hot strong coffee. I wish I could speed clean, organize closets, clean litter boxes and scrub the grief from the floors, wipe lost wishes from the windows. Anything. I wish I could do more.